Snow...

Hello.

So, I'm not so sure I'm ready for the snow. Most of what Omaha got is pretty much melted and gone, but it is still so cold and I kinda hate it a lot. I know, though, that as soon as it does snow I will love it. I will love looking out at our perfectly white yard, I love the look of the snow as it sits gently on the branches of trees, and I love making new footprints in the snow.

I like sitting on our couch with my hot chocolate and then peeking through the blinds and seeing the blindingly white, beautiful outside. I still love sledding. I haven't built a snowman in forever though. I think this year is a good year to build one. Snow angels are a must as well.

Ok...maybe I am ready for the snow (just not the cold).

I am...

Hello.

I am blessed.

I am free.

I am loved.

I am hopeful.

I am happy.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am saved.

I am talented.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a friend.

I am more...

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

("You are More" Tenth Avenue North)

Lawd Have Mercy...

I have a fear of being alone. I also have a fear of being in a relationship. I have an attention problem. I need a guys attention to not feel alone. Something happened to me after my first relationship that caused me to feel like I need a guy's attention to be happy, feel wanted, and not feel alone. I made a lot of mistakes.





I fell and instead of taking Jesus' hand to get up, I tried to get up by myself, then eventually some boys' hand, and I would use them as a crutch. Clearly they were not as supportisve as Jesus would have been this entire time. I've fallen too many times now. I know I need to learn to stand up with Jesus' help and then stand just Him and me. No boys.





I could have been in a relationship, but I freaked out and made a mistake. Then when I was told I was going to lose him, I freaked out because a rush of fear of being alone overcame me. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship right now. I don't even what makes me happy. I don't even know how to make myself happy. I need to learn to be alone, what makes me happy, and what a healthy relationship will look and feel like to me.





I feel like such a failure. I want to forget my past, but I can't learn lessons that way. I need to learn to forgive myself more than anything. I need to honestly believe that I am better than what I have been settling for, I am better than my past mistakes. Who I was and things that I have done in the past, do not define who I can be.