I have a fear of being alone. I also have a fear of being in a relationship. I have an attention problem. I need a guys attention to not feel alone. Something happened to me after my first relationship that caused me to feel like I need a guy's attention to be happy, feel wanted, and not feel alone. I made a lot of mistakes.
I fell and instead of taking Jesus' hand to get up, I tried to get up by myself, then eventually some boys' hand, and I would use them as a crutch. Clearly they were not as supportisve as Jesus would have been this entire time. I've fallen too many times now. I know I need to learn to stand up with Jesus' help and then stand just Him and me. No boys.
I could have been in a relationship, but I freaked out and made a mistake. Then when I was told I was going to lose him, I freaked out because a rush of fear of being alone overcame me. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship right now. I don't even what makes me happy. I don't even know how to make myself happy. I need to learn to be alone, what makes me happy, and what a healthy relationship will look and feel like to me.
I feel like such a failure. I want to forget my past, but I can't learn lessons that way. I need to learn to forgive myself more than anything. I need to honestly believe that I am better than what I have been settling for, I am better than my past mistakes. Who I was and things that I have done in the past, do not define who I can be.
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