A New Year...A New Beginning...

Hello.

December 31, 2010. Who woulda thunk that this date would come so quickly? A whole year. Gone again. It's weird how every year we all hope and envision some perfect year, some ideal year, where everything goes according to plan...our plan. Nothing goes wrong and everyone is happy and we have world peace. For that short time on New Year's Eve we live in this illusioned fantasy of perfection for a year. Then the year starts to happen and we realize it's anything but perfection.

It's good to hope that not everything will turn out bad, hope gets us through everything. But...this is not about hope. This is about us as humans, planning on this perfect year and then when it doesn't happen, we blame God.

We have this whole amazing, deathless, family gathering, friend visiting, every annoying person from our life disappearing, and accident/mistake free year planned in our head. From the very start of January 1st, when we wake up, we begin to try to control our year so that our ideal year will go just as we prepared. Something happens, completely out of our control and we blame God. Something happens, that was definitely our fault, and somehow God still gets blamed. Something big happens that may not exactly affect your life in the best, most happiest way, and God is blamed.

I am so, so, so guilty of this. I try so hard to control any outcome in my life. If it's not how I want it, or things start going downhill, I start to get upset with God. I did many times this year. Many times. I made choices that caused internal conflict within myself. I started to cling so desperately to a hope that I could have the best of both worlds (a Godly, Christian life-full of Jesus and His love AND a worldly life-full of material things), while at the same time my choices did everything to push Him as far away as possible. When this internal conflict started, I hoped God would just make it go away. Although, I did nothing to help. When the conflict didn't disappear, I started to get mad at God. It started becoming so easy for me to blame God for all of my suffering and pain, but it was so hard for me to see that I was the one and only reason for it. Blaming God was my easy ticket out of blaming myself and taking responsibility.

Then again, this past semester, I tried so hard to control the outcome of a situation that I had arranged in my head. When it would start to go in another direction, I would argue with God. It was like I was saying, "Okay, I'm putting everything in Your hands as long as it turns out how I want it to." When it didn't turn out how I wanted, I got mad at God again. Why would He put me through this? My heart hurts enough as it is...why is this just being added on? As I continued to work through it and chose to stop blaming God, I realized how much I brought all of this upon myself. I am to blame. I really am leaving it up to God now, everything.

My New Year's Resolution for 2011: Putting every single aspect and detail of my life, big or small (including the ones I may usually consider insignificant), in God's hands. Letting him have complete control over my life. It ain't gonna be easy, but the juice will sure as heck be worth the squeeze in the end.

I know my year won't be perfect, but it will be better with God in the mix.

For Every Season...

Hello.

¹ There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Christmas

Hello.

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Just been busy. I'm super excited about Christmas. Everything about it makes me happy. I'm excited for the family traditions of driving around looking at Christmas lights through out Omaha, making my Nana's famous chocolate covered cherry cookies, and Omaha Christmas with all of the people my parents were friends with when they moved to Omaha and I've practically grown up with. Christmas seems to be one of the few things my mind can actually focus on lately. Otherwise it's a complete scattered mess up there with no hope of becoming organized.

I've been thinking about family a lot. The family I have now, and a family I will someday have of my own. I don't know why I've been thinking about my future family so much, but I know that if I have a daughter she will have Elizabeth in her name somewhere, whether it's her first name, middle name, heck if I have to give her 2 middle names just so it will be in her name, then so be it. My grandma's name is Elizabeth, my aunt's middle name is Elizabeth, and my cousin and I's middle names are Elizabeth...So will my daughter's. I think if I have another daughter...I like the name Lucy. It's cute. Sorry, that is really random and probably more information than you ever wanted to know. I also want a dog...if it's a boy dog...no question it will be a german shepard though...his name will either be Atticus or Samson. If it's a girl dog...her name will be Fu (Foo) (which actually means good fortune and blessings in Chinese).

But, for now I will worry about the family God has blessed me with now, and I will love every minute I have with them. I will remember the family God started on Christmas; the family whose son changed the world.

Snow...

Hello.

So, I'm not so sure I'm ready for the snow. Most of what Omaha got is pretty much melted and gone, but it is still so cold and I kinda hate it a lot. I know, though, that as soon as it does snow I will love it. I will love looking out at our perfectly white yard, I love the look of the snow as it sits gently on the branches of trees, and I love making new footprints in the snow.

I like sitting on our couch with my hot chocolate and then peeking through the blinds and seeing the blindingly white, beautiful outside. I still love sledding. I haven't built a snowman in forever though. I think this year is a good year to build one. Snow angels are a must as well.

Ok...maybe I am ready for the snow (just not the cold).

I am...

Hello.

I am blessed.

I am free.

I am loved.

I am hopeful.

I am happy.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am saved.

I am talented.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a friend.

I am more...

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

("You are More" Tenth Avenue North)

Lawd Have Mercy...

I have a fear of being alone. I also have a fear of being in a relationship. I have an attention problem. I need a guys attention to not feel alone. Something happened to me after my first relationship that caused me to feel like I need a guy's attention to be happy, feel wanted, and not feel alone. I made a lot of mistakes.





I fell and instead of taking Jesus' hand to get up, I tried to get up by myself, then eventually some boys' hand, and I would use them as a crutch. Clearly they were not as supportisve as Jesus would have been this entire time. I've fallen too many times now. I know I need to learn to stand up with Jesus' help and then stand just Him and me. No boys.





I could have been in a relationship, but I freaked out and made a mistake. Then when I was told I was going to lose him, I freaked out because a rush of fear of being alone overcame me. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship right now. I don't even what makes me happy. I don't even know how to make myself happy. I need to learn to be alone, what makes me happy, and what a healthy relationship will look and feel like to me.





I feel like such a failure. I want to forget my past, but I can't learn lessons that way. I need to learn to forgive myself more than anything. I need to honestly believe that I am better than what I have been settling for, I am better than my past mistakes. Who I was and things that I have done in the past, do not define who I can be.

The Cry of My Heart...

Hello.

So while I was at church at home over Fall break and then again at Cru last night, we sang the song "From The Inside Out" by Hillsong United. That is definitely one of my top 5 favorite Jesus songs...EVER. I get so excited every time they start singing it.

My heart and my soul, I give You control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

To love You from the inside out

Let justice and praise, become my embrace.

This verse gets me every time. It reminds me how hard it is to give God control of every aspect of my life; heart, soul, mind...

But every time I hear this verse a peace comes over me...it's hard to explain, but I love it and I feel like when I sing this verse God knows how much I love him even though, as a human, I am a complete failure at showing him.

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

From the inside out, O my soul cries out

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

This verse makes me get a tear in my eye every time. God's power and glory will go on forever when there is nothing left.

The 2nd 1/2 reminds me that there is a "God sized" hole in my heart. I know I need something, and so I try and fill it in with earthly things. All this time my heart has just been calling out to God and it knows that He is the only One who can fill that space perfectly and make all things right within me.

Hello.

“Whatever your past has been, you have a spotless future”

-Anonymous

It doesn't matter what I do right now...I think I am not far enough from my past for it to not keep haunting me. Everyday...the choices I made still come back and play into my present.

I'm not trying to completely forget my past, because how else am I supposed to learn, but I just want to move away from it...as far as possible. I hate how much I have hurt the people I care most about.

I am not one to look in the past. If something reminds me of the past, then yes, of course, I will think about it. But after something has happened I don't look back at it and turn it over in my head over and over again. Not everyone is like that, though. I don't get mad at people who hold onto things (I know everyone does...I am guilty sometimes), it just hurts when they hold onto what I've done and remind me how I hurt them. It will take time to move on, though, so I can't just say "move on"...I can't be upset.

I am not really sure how to convince anyone that I've changed. I know, I know...actions speak louder than words...but it seems like time isn't moving fast enough for me to have had a sufficient amount of time to prove that my heart is 100% ready to change and I am not who I was.

...

Hello.

What is required for effective change is continuity of sincere effort to release and let go of inefficient thought patterns from the past.

Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Hello.

...You just hope for answers.

Christmas List...

Hello.

I already have my Christmas list:

1. A Wii

2. A new camera

That is all.

To Touch...

Hello.

So I learned something on Wednesday. You know the story about Jesus stopping the funeral in Nain and raising the boy from the dead? Well the bible says Jesus went up and touched the coffin:

¹¹And it came to pass the day after, that he went into a city called Nain; and many of his disciples went with him, and much people.

¹²Now when he came nigh to the gate of the city, behold, there was a dead man carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow: and much people of the city was with her.

¹³And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, Weep not.

¹⁴And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise.

¹⁵And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he delivered him to his mother.

¹⁶And there came a fear on all: and they glorified God, saying, That a great prophet is risen up among us; and, That God hath visited his people.

Luke 7:11-16

Well, literally translated from the Greek language the word used is "haptomai" (ἅπτομαι) which can mean "to touch" or more properly "to attach oneself to". Jesus didn't just go up to that boy and touch him, he gripped him. I mean yeah...the people who were carrying him would probably stop and look at him but attach himself to him...a dead boy...

Sure when he touched the eyes of people he was probably not gripping them, but the people with leprosy...did he just touch them, or like this dead boy, did he grab them...hold on to them?

Hello.

You don't realize how much you miss him

until you've gone without him for awhile

and then finally find him again.

Do you like me?...

Hello.

Ok. So I know people in this world worry a lot about what people think about them...mostly how they look and their outward appearance. Not everyone, but the majority. I admit, I have this minor problem as well. I hate leaving the house without at least mascara on because I don't think I look good enough without it on. I will say I think I have gotten better...I don't worry as much about hair anymore, I'm OK not going out in super cute clothes, I'm OK if my clothes are a little wrinkly (oh wait...I've never worried about that).

My biggest problem is worrying about whether people like me or not. If I get even the slightest impression (whatever that may be...most likely because I'm reading waaaay too into their body language or tone of voice) I completely close up. I've never thought about it before until now. One time when I was still dating Collin, we were at his house and for whatever reason I was under the impression that his mom was mad at or annoyed with me and even though I was starving I would not ask her for anything to eat...I wouldn't even ask him because then he would ask her and that would just give her another reason to not like me.

It's almost debilitating how much I worry about it and let it affect me. I started to wonder if this is where my shyness comes from and I fear that the majority of the time...it is. I worry so much about it that even people I don't know affect me. I really gotta work on this...

Thinking...

Hello.

I have a question...why is the forbidden fruit in the Bible always depicted as an apple in pictures and what not? Where in the Bible does it specifically say...Eve ate the "apple". It never does...so why do we always perceive it as an apple? Was it even really an apple? I mean, what if it was fig or quince (which are very common in the Middle Eastern, Mediterranean area)? What if it's a fruit that we don't even know existed because it was forbidden and there is only mention of one tree and it is in the Garden of Eden? Who decided it was an apple?

Ok I lied...I have a 2nd question...Satan is called "the morning star" or "the angel of light" but only once in the Bible (only some versions actually) does it refer to him as "Lucifer" (Isaiah 14:12). When the Bible was being translated from latin, lucifer was a combination of the two latin words lux or lucis meaning "light" and ferre meaning "to bring" or "to bear".

"quomodo cecidisti de caelo lucifer qui mane oriebaris corruisti in terram qui vulnerabas gentes." Isaiah 14:12

"How art thou fallen from heaven, O lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!" Isaiah 14:12

So is Lucifer a name we gave him, or is it a legit name of his?

Hello.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Can't We Just...

Hello.

So...there are some things I wished happened in life. Maybe not specifically just my life, but everyone's life in general.

No violence would be good...can't we just all get along?

That's not what this is about though...

#1-I kinda really wish everyone was a really good singer and dancer and we all sometimes just broke out into song and choreographed dance. I mean wouldn't that be great? You know like Improv Everywhere...when they all stop for 5 minutes...frozen? What if a group of 200 people like them, had a song, and choreographed a dance, and somewhere busy like Grand Central Station just broke out into song and dance? How freaking awesome would that be??

#2-If it can't be musical, then I wish life had background music. Sometimes I like to pretend my life has background music. Sometimes during something big or whatever, I sing the song in my head and pretend it's playing for whoever is watching my life happen at that moment (side note-when I was little I used to think the angels watched our lives like movies, always excited to see how the director (God) got us through situations, and they ate popcorn and everything (maybe mike and ikes too) and watched us on a big screen). Wanna know what my background music for my life is right now?

Relient K

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...

'Cause I don't want you to know where I am

'Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

And this is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. I never should have said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'Cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

And I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

And I heard the reverberating footsteps

Sinking up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again

‘Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

And this is no place to try and live my life.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to try never become that way again

'Cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

It's kinda sad and happy at the same time...but this one too:

Sh-shawty who dat, who dat, you think always missing you

I-I-I cannot get enough of kissing you

I don't cry-y-y, ok I she'd a tear, or two

On the gri-i-ind, yeah, but girl ain't no forgetting you, cuz

Every minute, every second, every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Everytime that I'm away

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Every moment that is stolen, it can never be replaced

Iyiyi

Even if it's for a day

Iyiyi

I'm a text you up to say

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Oh baby whenever I'm gone, I'm wishing I was back home

I can feel your heart when we're apart

Girl I'm on my way, trust every word I say

I can't wait to see your face

And when I said goodbye, I saw the tears in your eyes as you started to cry

I took your hand, and promised I'll be right back

Girl I'm coming right back to see you smile

So girl, what I gotta do to make you see

I mean what I say to you

I'll send you a picture, let you know I miss ya

Girl send me a kiss, I can't wait to see ya

Every minute, every second, every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Everytime that I'm away

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Every moment that is stolen, it can never be replaced

Iyiyi

Even if it's for a day

Iyiyi

I'm a text you up to say

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Remember when we first met, I had to tell you that

I couldn't live without your love

Baby I must confess, we were the perfect match

You we're a gift sent from above

When you're thinking about me, text 1-4-3

That means I love you girl

I'll be your everything, and all you need

Oh baby, let your heart take the lead

Ooh, so girl, what I gotta do to make you see

I mean what I say to you

I'll send you a picture, let you know I miss ya

Girl send me a kiss, I can't wait to see ya

Every minute, every second, every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Everytime that I'm away

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Every moment that is stolen, it can never be replaced

Iyiyi

Even if it's for a day

Iyiyi

I'm a text you up to say

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Lil mama, ain't nobody else, I need you girl

I-I-I got intentions just to please you girl

And I try-y-y, lady that's what you deserve

Superfly-y-y be more precious than a pearl

I can't li-i-ie, pictures in my living room

When I ri-i-ide, dashboard, digital

To the sky-y-y, so thankful that you're in my world

Do or di-i-ie, baby, I ain't kidding you

I don't wanna be your distant man

Tellin me I don't do enough for plans

I really can't afford to let it hit the fan

Girl, every minute I wanna hold your hand

Ain't no limit to the words I'm saying

I don't wanna rock with a brand new band

Just you, lil mama, that's grand

I've been all over the land, and

Every minute, every second, every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Every hour of the day

Iyiyi

Everytime that I'm away

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

Every moment that is stolen, it can never be replaced

Iyiyi

Even if it's for a day

Iyiyi

I'm a text you up to say

Iyiyi

Missing you, missing you

The Old and the New...

Hello.

So, some of my friends are saying that they want the old, fun Jaimie from last year. They say the new Jaimie is too different. Little do they know that this "new" is actually a better version of the old and the "old" that they talk about was actually the destructive new. I hope you followed that...it made sense in my head.

What I mean by the "'new' is actually a better version of the old" is....well, let me take you on my journey (in a very short summary):

I used to be this outgoing, fun girl. Somewhere in between 3rd and 4th grade I started kind of closing up. As I continued on in school I slowly became more and more closed up in myself...none of my friends were able to really see the real me. Senior year I started dating a guy. To be honest...I think he really got me through the rest of my school year. There are some things I wish never went down, and there were a lot of messy things, but he really did help me see how beautiful I really am, he taught me a lot about myself (even if it wasn't intentional). Freshman year of college was hard...we broke up half way through 2nd semester. I was still a very closed up person though...maybe not completely for the fact I was shy, but out of fear (that is a different story and I will not go into that). That summer I hung out with friends, worked, laid around, wasn't super exciting. Sophomore year I made some friends and I started hanging out and doing things I shouldn't. To be honest, I had almost become a monster...I was completely unable to feel anymore. I dated a guy for about a month, but...I was not ready for a relationship...I was not mature enough. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt, I didn't care about how much my sister cared about me and worried about me, I didn't care about anyone or anything. I didn't even cry when my dog died...at the time...I didn't really care (I do now and I miss my puppy a lot). I was becoming someone I wasn't but that is who all my new friends knew and they liked this fake girl. I also got very sick 2nd semester, but I'm not so sure that has a lot to do with my journey). Summer came around and it seemed like it was going to be any other summer...boring (minus when I went to the beach). I went back to Springfield for a month for a summer class and while down there I met someone. At the time I didn't think they would have any part in my life after I returned home. I was wrong. We continued to talk and they had a lot of things to say that really put my life and choices in perspective...it helped because they had been through the same thing I was currently going through. I know my sister had been talking to me over and over and giving me lots of speeches and talks and what not, but it really did help that it was someone who had experienced everything I was going through. Last year definitely helped me to be more outgoing, but I was still someone completely different. My friend helped me see I can stop doing what I was doing and still be outgoing and fun. I am having so much fun this year and I am not doing anything the same as last year and I love it. I thought I had a strong enough relationship with God to make good choices but clearly I was wrong and now I'm working on it. I am making the choices of the old Jaimie but I am not closed up in myself. I started reading my Bible (which has not been done in a loooong time and is much much overdue), I am really making an effort to go to church every week, I am making an effort to get involved in a bible study, and I am making an effort to get involved in Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) on campus.

See...just I'm just a better version of the old Jaimie now :)

Hello.

You are my song, and you are where I want to be.

Let Me...

Hello.

Let me turn and follow you, and never be the same.

Impossible...

Hello.

The other day I heard the song "Impossible" by Shontelle. I had heard it plenty of times before, but for whatever reason this time I really listened to the words. All of the sudden I had a flood of emotions and feelings that I haven't felt for about a year and half now. I didn't cry because I have no tears left to cry over that situation and what went down, but I started to feel sick to my stomach.

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

You apologized a year later, but that doesn't stop my mind from asking questions. They all said it would never last, they said it was impossible. Why couldn't we prove them wrong? Why couldn't I see the real you, when they all could?

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Empty promises were something I knew all too well. Why did you feel the need to embarrass me after all was said and done? Your friend sent me nasty messages, blaming me for things I never did...I lost friends from our church because of things you had said about me...your mom emailed me blaming me for things...why did you do that?

Now that those questions have started, it'll take awhile for me to calm down again. Just because you apologized doesn't mean the hurt isn't still there.